Water and Wee

There are not many things more worrying for a home owner than a central heating problem. My hot water kept tripping my electric off which was very worrying, but thankfully I have an electrician living next door. Ian's eyes must roll everytime I knock on his door because he knows I want a favour. Anyway he agreed to take a look at it for me bless him. 10 minutes later the conversation was going like this.

Ian - Oh, there's a small leak on your water cylinder, I'll try tighten it.

Me - Well spotted, we'll be sorted in no time, what a team! (I was holding the torch)

Ian - Didn't work, you now have a big leak.

Me - I'm fucked aren't I?

Ian - Errrrmmmm... Yup

It's a surreal thing standing watching 55 gallons of water about to piss gently through your house. We both stood there for a minute shrugging at each other with shell shocked looks before we thought it might be a pretty good idea to shut the water off and get a hose pipe to drain the tank. After an hour of panic and running about the house was free of all water except the puddles on the carpet. Ian helped me find a plumber to come the next day and start sorting out the mess... I could see the bill already. Kerrching!

So I took the next day off work to wait in for Walter the plumber, so I thought ah.. no stress! Watch some DVDs, chill out and read, BLISS! Then it occured to me I couldn't do many of my favourite relaxy things with no water, drink tea, have a shower etc.. and some things that are vital like flush the toilet and wash my hands. Yuck! I found some sterile wipes to scrub up with after having a pee, which I do A LOT. I have a bladder the size of a peanut, apparently. But what if I need to 'Lay a Cable'? can't flush it! You know, if it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown flush it down. I'll worry about that if I need to I thought (Ha ha ha said my bowels).

I was feeling a bit gloomy waiting in at home, as you do when you don't know how much cash or how much time something will take to fix. So I thought I'd cheer myself up by reading my new book "The Heroin Diaries" by Nikki Sixx. Don't get me wrong it is a superb book and I read it cover to cover in a (long)day, but... When your trying to cheer yourself up, reading about someone so screwed up on Heroin they're injecting into their penis, doesn't bring out many happy smiley moments. Anyway I'd just finished the book, the plumber is due in an hour-ish, and I felt 'the rumble' AH! I can hold it, he'll be here soon... Ohh no, feels like labour pains... think I'm gonna have a FOOD BABY! No I can't hold it! Five minutes later I was driving to the Supermarket (Driving because I couldn't walk) for what at work we call "a natural break". I was desperate...

I got there and found a parking space near the door "YES!" reversed in and began to open my door. I was beaten to it by an old lady getting out of her car next to me, and her disabled friend. I am a patient person, but they were sloooowwwwww. All the gear had to come out, wheelchair, neatly folded tartan blanket, bib, nappies... They kept looking to me apologetically, I just smiled back like I had all the time in the world... Then dived out the passenger door before I filled my pants. I ran like a man trying to hold a wet fish between his thighs into the supermarket, avoiding the stupid 'Do you use credit cards sir?' woman, and into the loo, slam the door, quick check seat for wee stains, check for toilet paper.. and begin. BLISS! everyone else in the toilet went kind of quiet when I let out my shouting sigh of relief from within the cubicle... simple pleasures.

Anyway, back at the house Walter the plumber did turn up on time and was a very jolly chap (I'd be very punctual, and also pretty fucking jolly for £50 an hour). But bless him, he had a new water cylinder fitted and tested in 2 hours and 10 minutes (DOH!!! 3 hours labour). But fuck it, it's only m m m money.

So today I was feeling better, basking in the glory of having running water and heating again... and I was just about to pop out for a few minutes, I grabbed my phone and headed for the door. As was instilled into me by my parents from years of nagging, I thought I better have a wee before I go. So in hindsight I could put my phone somewhere sensible to do this, a pocket, a shelf, you name it really, but nah, I'll hold it between my teeth! I was just finishing off and it rang, I instantly in surprise said 'Oooh' and dropped it straight down the bog. It teased me by bouncing off both sides of the pot first, but no, down it went. This leaves you thinking "Do I put my hand in there for it or.." mmm. I grabbed it with a pipe wrench and rinsed it off, it's fucked. Ah well, at least it's my work phone rather than my personal one :-). Incidentally this is the second time in my life I have pulled exactly the same trick on an innocent Nokia, I never learn.

Some days I really should not stay in.