A New Form

Those of you who know me will know I buy and sell a fair bit of guitar equipment. I don't earn much out of it, the odd deal goes my way, the odd one doesn't... shit happens. It's a way off replacing my full time job but I get to play with shed loads of great guitar gear I couldn't otherwise afford, meet some cool people and I love it. However after the experience my poor mate Mark and I have been through over the past two months, I've devised a new form I must fill out with everyone I buy a guitar from.

1. Can you count?

2. Are you delusional?

3a. Will you invent a parallel world in which to live where you're in a famous band called N***** D****?

3b. If I suggest that they're on tour, playing in Indonesia tonight and are probably on stage ...errr fucking right now, will you just change the subject?

4. Have you ever eaten paint?

5. Are you mental?

6. Re-answer question 5 (and 4 actually), I don't believe you.

7. Do you know there's a new fangled thing called "The Internet", and I can check things?

8. Even after your slightly sticky answer to 3b will you still invite Mark and I to join the band/get us backstage passes/offer to send us free Mesa Boogie Amplifiers?

9. If I try and sell anything I bought off you with an honest description will you threaten to "Do that cunt in!" for suggesting untruths and/or imply you'll set an infamous biker gang on me?

10. Do you think phoning someone 16 times in half an hour leaving 6 answerphone messages is a touch... oh I don't know how you'd put it, fucking mental?

I'm aware this rough draft of the form might look a little bit constructed to fit one specific type of person, but I'm going to use it from now on just to be safe. Please accept my apologies in advance to anyone I buy anything off who isn't a window licker.