Only now do I feel qualified to write this, after a fairly extensive period of singledom I can offer the single man (or woman) a way to ease his (or her – What is this, Python?) pain and boredom becoming a better person. Wait! Hold the vomit, this isn't going to be all gooey, it's a (very)rough guide. Also most things here, or at least a version of them I've found in books. Some things i've lifted from friends too – You know who you are.
Wallow a bit – Go on, get over it. Cry in your pillow, sit in the bath listening to The Cure, buy take-outs because you can't be arsed to cook and leave them because you're not hungry anyway. Be a recluse and be miserable… for a little while, a fortnight tops. Then get the fuck over it, move on you big wuss.
Friends – Talk to your real friends, this means anyone who you think would house you if you were homeless. But not too much, they'll listen to how you "Just want someone to love you for who you are" maybe a couple of times before you're crying on their lawn while they pretend to be out.
Rebuild – Start to enjoy life again, it's highly tempting to develop a fetish to do nothing but play on the PS2 and wank yourself into a stupor watching Hollyoaks, but "that would be bad" as my dad would say. Turn the damn telly off, it rots your insides. Really do find a thing to do, mine is playing the guitar, it's a passion that fills time for me. Read loads too, books make you feel intelligent and kill hours. If you find you do nothing but check your email and phone every five minutes to see if someone wants you, then get help quickly, loser.
Don't rely on your ex for emotional support – Again, I was very lucky here with a very grown up break ..erm up. But if you're a bit of teary type for gods' sake, hide your mobile when you're drinking. You might just decide to 'Shotgun' your ex with texts. The last thing you want to do is read your sent folder in the morning to find the first message sent of the night says "I really miss you and still love you x x x x x x x " through 48 other messages to the last one which says "STOP FUCKING IGNORING ME BITCH!!" That also, would be bad. Maybe break some ties if the feelings are that sour. My friend Tracey had a good bit of advice about staying friends after a break up – "It's a bit like your parents telling you your dog is dead, but great news, we're going to let you keep it!"
Be happy on your own – easier said than done. I'm lucky enough to have always enjoyed my own company. It's never bothered me eating out alone, going to a gig on my own and going on day trips somewhere. Other people are more uncomfortable for me than I am myself when they realise I've been somewhere alone. It's a blessing though, eat what you want, go when and where you want and listen to whatever music at whatever volume. If for a minute you feel a bit lonely, ring that miserable attached mate for boost. Chances are he is in Ikea listening to screaming kids and buying something crap he doesn't want just to keep the peace.
Say yes more – A blatant Danny Wallace rip off here, but it is good advice. It's easy when someone invites you out for an evening to say that you're busy, when really you just can't be arsed and will probably just be scratching your balls (or your lady garden) in front of Eastenders. Just say yes to everything,… well within reason, if a woman says to you "Do these jeans make my arse look big?" think very carefully before saying anything. Avoid comedy answers too, like "No, it's the fat that makes your arse look big". She will kill you.
Last but not least, be stupid once a day – I have never gotten over how great the feeling is when I put on a towel cape, a quickly fashioned gel ridden quiff and Elvis shades. Then I put music on full blast and dance like a silly bugger. My good buddy at work, Oliver, also introduced me to a quicker and easier feel good vibe. As he says, "It is impossible not smile while you're doing the Snoopy dance" Ask me next time you see me for a Snoopy dance demo if you're unsure.
Oh yeah and also, but it might just be me come to think of it, eat lots of cake because cake is wonderful.
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