I should have known yesterday wasn't going to go quite as planned when I sprayed my hair with Air Freshener instead of hair spray (yeah I use hairspray, I'm in touch with my feminine side okay). So I was already late for an appointment before the day even started because I had to rewash the mop to remove an Air Wick glue cobweb. The appointment was to see my crankiest, grumpiest miserable sod of a customer, and it's 20 mins away. No time to eat anything, so I thought to cure the rumble in my stomach I'd take a banana flavour milk energy drink with me to sip while I was driving... I stopped at some lights and took a big swig, it went down the wrong way (whatever that means, but you get my drift) and I felt the muscle spasm pushing it back out again. I stabbed at the electric window button, but in my panic forgot the car I'd had for 6 months now has it's buttons in a different place to the old one. Sploosh! I neatly covered most of my window with a yellow splat, much to the amusement of the people in the car sitting next to me at the lights.
A quick wash up in the garage and I looked clean, but wet through. It was raining anyway so I could pass that off easily. I finally got to the place and into reception to be greeted by his daughter, with whom I normally have a bit of banter about how miserable he is;
Me - Morning, I'm here to see Terry.
Daughter - Oh... He's not here.
Me - Really, Where is the miserable old git then? Hiding?
Daughter - Hospital, he's had a heart attack, it's a bit touch and go.
Me - Can I go out and come in again?
I think she was okay about it, although she normally insitaged the banter. We chuckled about it, but even so, it was still a horrible moment where I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Second only to the time I pulled a freaky 'tongue out' face to some miserable people in a limo going past me, then I saw the matching hearse behind it.
The rest of the morning went without incident, so I went into our Nottingham office to eat lunch. There was another guy from my team there who's fairly new and a bit too 'keen', but a nice lad. Our boss had sent out a crappy file to him that he had to forward to all of the 9 people in our team. He was eating, so asked me to use his laptop to send it... woohahaha. It instantly occured to me that whatever I sent from that laptop would be from his email address. I started writing...
FW: Monthly File for focus account.
Dear Team,
Here's the Excel file we've been waiting for, any questions please ask... By the way, I've taken a liking to wearing ladies tights, they feel lovely against my botty.
Kiss Kiss - Russie the Nylon Wonderboy
PS - I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention the tights thing to me personally, I'm a bit shy about it.
SEND.....
Right then a lady from HR in charge of disclipline in the workplace walked in... That was it, my face went bright red, tears of laughter filled my eyes and I couldn't breath or explain myself without looking like a mad man. I rushed out the room murmering about food trapped in my neck. I think I escaped without arousing too much attention.
They all new it was me, the phone calls came in minutes later;
Team - Hi Adam, just got an email from Russ, it's got you written all over it
Me- Email? Why, what did it say???
I can't keep a straight face to save my life. That one could have been kept us in a good mood all year... bugger.
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